Helen Melons' World

What We Are Fighting For

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Pammy Naked Again

You gotta love the girl. Naked at every opportunity. Me, I don't need a cause. Just the tips. But you go girl!

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Wimbledon Madness!

What on God's earth is Wimbledon thinking?

Why else would we be watching?

Let's just hope they don't ban this too.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Skinny Vicky Update

"Victoria's wasting away and there is nothing we can do about it. Although she is undoubtedly one of the sexiest women in the world her arms and legs look very thin. Sometimes she looks so thin you worry she might snap in two."

What a nasty thought! Then again, "to have eaten only sushi and pineapple in a bid to shed weight in time to watch her husband play" is a little strange for one already so blessed with the gift of skinniness.

Why The Hoff Cries

I'd never have guessed. He's just the BEST!

Smith Rival Snuffs It

The great Anna Nicole is another step closer to her just rewards.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Florida Dogs Are Way Cooler!



I just heard our boys got beat by Ghana (an African nation!)

How'd that happen?

World Cup Hots Up

I guess those boys have to have something nice to watch.

I mean, the soccer is so darn boring.

An American Tragedy


Poor, poor Tori.

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Operation Mountain Thrust Update

The thrusting is going well.

Even without me.

Carmen's Boobs Boob

Somehow I'd missed this extraordinary piece of news.

Alexandra, my British girlfriend, pointed it out to me.

As it happens, Carmen's boobs are the same size as mine. Neither too big, nor too small. Just perfect. (I am always getting top marks for them at my club's boob judging contests).

Guys just love 'em, Carmen. Don't sweat it. Even if you could "have left them alone", I doubt anyone else could.

I agree with you about Jessica, though - "she's sexy because she's got an incredible body."

I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm in love with her, however. I only swing both ways professionally. Not in real life.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Thoughts on Bulimia

The shocking news that American Idol runner up Katherine McPhee suffers from bulimia has got me thinking about how people like myself and Princess Di have also spent many years of our lives sticking our fingers down our throats in the bathrooms of Denny's.

"Christopher Athas, a vice president of the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, says one of the many myths about bulimia is that it's a disease primarily of affluent young white women," explains the CNN report. ""That's simply not true," he says. "It's an illness that goes through society.""

How true. I still barf up my dinner on occassion, and I barely count as affluent. Or young.

Never The Twain

This woman is obviously guilty.

I often dance to Shania with TWO guns as props, but neither of them ever go off.

I look a hell of a lot better, too.

Dead Giant Tortoise Scam

This is an amazing fake.

Animatronics can do amazing things these days. Like at Disneyworld or in Jurassic Park and that thing Harry Potter flies.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Breaking Tom Cruise News

Is Tom Cruise a few fighter jets short of a squadron?

The short answer is "Yes, it sure as all heck seems so if one reads the transcripts of his press conference in Japan today (as I did, after a hard day working on a new routine before soaking in a hot tub with Norman)."

Not only does Cruise go around saying he wants to eat placentas, he now says he wants to have 10 children.


"I think you all know how, what a gift it [sic] is, children," he said in a Tokyo press conference, thousands of miles away from his kid(s).

"I always wanted to be a father. I remember my whole life, I wanted to be a father. So I'm hoping maybe I have 10 children," he said, laughing.

Pregnant Pause

I have to say, this does look a little fishy.

What did she do, eat too much that day?

Exercise is great, but have you thought about cutting out the carbs, Reese?

I tried the South Beach (diet, that is) and it definitely helped with my bloating.

Punters don't like it when I'm bloated.

Reese Sues

This is great news!

I wondered what in the hell she was thinking having a third child with that husband of hers.

I made that mistake once. He still replaced me with a younger model. (He too was jealous as hell of my career.)

Kidman "Boring" Hen Party Update

Amazing video footage of boredom!

Lady Heather Strip Show

I am really pleased about all these revelations surrounding the secret glamourous life of Lady Heather Macca.

The British press are acting as if it is a bad thing that she used to work in the porn industry.

But I think it helps liberate women like me from negative stereotype.

If a (billionaire) Lady like Heather can have such a history, it helps neuter the image of us glamour models as trashy hos.

Click here to watch Lady Macca's latest glamour video.

The Bible in Lego

What a wonderful and much needed website!

The Bible needs to reach more of our children (and single male adults).

This is a tremendous addition to Christianity. People who are interested in Lego and not God now (finally!) have a chance to be interested in both.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

How Things Should Be

The United States will only stay United if it nurtures the kind of genuine affection evident between these two Miss America contestants.

Either of them could pass as Latin. Why must Latinas have a contest of their own?

Why compete for Miss USA if you really want to be Miss Mexico?

Huge Political Conspiracy

It seems our leaders want another civil war

Somebody call Oliver Stone. And I want credit for uncovering this outrage.


Miss USA - Or Nothing!

Don't get me wrong, I like Latinos and have lots of Latino neighbors.

Latina girls dance at my club and, despite their inability to speak English, they never cause any trouble in the dressing room.

But I really think this HAS TO BE STOPPED!

Contests like this can only create division and will eventually lead to CIVIL WAR.

And we don't need another one of those!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Test Your Knowledge of Art

Do you like this painting?

If so, you'll want to know more about the artist

Colonial Overlord Update

Brangelina is/are (?) in trouble with Namibian authorities - if such a thing exists.

"To shut down a national border so she can give birth in peace is a massive abuse of power," says a spokesman for Namibia's National Society for Human Rights.

Brangelina is/are (?) accused of using "heavy-handed and brutal tactics" in their UN-sponsored role as "colonial overlords."

Should've popped the sprog in my local Maternity-Mart, Brangelina. That's where I had my boys. In fact, you might be the ones who adopted them.

Jolie Good Life

"I have a stupid income for what I do."

So says Angelina Jolie in her first post-"terrifying"-baby-birth-giving-in-Africa interview.

Too right, Angelina!

I worked my pretty little behind off tonight. And what do I have to show for it?

A few wet Georges and a handful of misplaced nickels.

Some Words of Faith

Thinking of joining a Church?

Let me give you some words of wisdom.

One of the women above is the new head of the Episcopal Church.

The other is not.

You decide.

Another Saddam Solution

We could always send him into space

In Praise of Victoria Beckham!

For the record:

I think she looks GREAT

I don't care what any filthy German rag says

At least she shaves her armpits!

Too Much of That Will Make You Blind

We could do with these in the club.

Shocking Nicole Update

This has to be read to be believed!

My heart goes out to the girl.

Hang on in there, Nic.

We all have bad ones.




Holy Coffee Grounds!

What in God's name is this all about?

(Via Andrew Sullivan)

Monday, June 19, 2006

The Nightmare Ticket?

There's talk around that Bill Clinton is a possible candidate for Vice President in 2008. The Founding Fathers forgot to ban Clinton's self-adoration in the Constitution.

It doesn't take a political genius to figure this could mean a Clinton-Clinton '08 ticket. If so, I'm moving to Myanmar.

Slick Willie returning to Washington would only benefit the nation in one way: There'll be a lot more work for girls like me.

Stop Angelina Campaign

Good God girl! Leave them be!

SHE MUST BE STOPPED - Somebody create a petition so we can start signing!

Zarqawi in Benefit Fraud Shocker!!

Wadda you know?

(Via Dave Barry)

Kidman-Urban Latest

"Kidman was spotted "elegantly slumming" in a white bathrobe. She later changed into an "autumnal" fashion when her parents arrived and by 3.30pm was in her gym clothes for a workout with her personal trainer."

Read more!

Correction on Simpson Rivalry

According to the China Post (a reputable news source?) I wrongly interpreted this whole Ashlee vs Jessica Simpson boobs and legs thing

Sibling Love Affair!

“Her body is so sick right now! She’s like this little surf girl with the most perfect boobs and the skinniest legs. I have no idea how she looks so good."

So says Jessica Simpson about sis Ashlee. Not a hint of jealousy!

I wish my sister felt the same way about me. Despite the fact that I have MUCH better boobs (hers sag A LOT) and considerably skinnier legs, the only thing she says about me is that I'm "a ho".

Big time jealousy in the Melons family, I'm afraid.

(Via Gossipin.com)

Hooters Contest Update Update

I was wrong! The Hooters National will be held here

Hooters Contest Update

This is where the Hooters National will be held. Book your tickets!

Bra-Unhooking Contest

It should get Olympic status!


I had two gentlemen JUST LIKE THIS come into the club last night!

I guess their tips count as great backhands?

Ooohhh. I just found another $20!

To Fry or Not To Fry?

Should we execute Saddam? I think it depends on how much it is costing us to keep him alive. I mean, what kind of food are we serving him? He doesn't really deserve anything better than the dollar menu at Wendy's (and even that's too good for him!). Perhaps if he was thinner I'd consider letting him live.

And then there's the cost of his beard clippers. We should have made him keep his facial hair shaggy, like when we caught him living in that hole.

And how about all the new clothes? He used to just have that one green uniform which he wore with that ridiculous looking beret (I always suspected he was French). We should make him wear that again. What's with kitting him out in new pants and button-downs? He hasn't done anything to deserve them. We should make him stand naked in court. He'd be so ashamed of his body that he'd start eating less.

Today's Thought

Why can't more men be like this?

American Girls

I just think our girls are so much prettier than people from other countries. Other people can look really weird.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Congratulations to Hooters Pageant Winner Natalie Pandorf of the Brandon Hooters! She wins a trip to Vegas to compete in the National competition.

I am not jealous. I make more money dancing than she does selling wings.

Sex On The Brain?

Not with a body like mine

An Outrageous Suggestion

And only because he hasn't met me yet

Macca, Marry Me!

Sir Paul McCartney is 64 years old!

He's also looking for a new wife. Sir Paul, if you are reading this, I am available (24/7)! Email me. I take much better pictures than your current wife.

NASA, Call Me!

I've always wanted to be rocketed into space, but no-one has ever asked me and meant it literally.

Correction on Feminist Thing

I just found out that "elision" means "Omission of a final or initial sound in pronunciation"

I'm not sure that's what I meant, but never mind.

A Thought About Feminism

Catherine Mackinnon is on a mission "to expose the elision between law and masculinity".

So am I, in my own way. That's why I'm filing that suit against the asshole who groped me during my dance routine.

Evil Dog as Shark Bait Thing

It's the French!!!!

(speaking of whom)

Evil Animal Cruelty

Speaking of my father being shark bait - I just read that "Stray dogs are being skewered on hooks and dragged behind boats as live shark bait".

I'll look into who is doing this cruel and inhumane and evil thing, then get back to y'all.

Father's Day Shark Bait

Today is Father's Day. I went to visit my dad at the cemetary. We had one of the best talks we ever had. He complained a lot about how hot it gets in a coffin buried in Florida swampland, but he's always complaining about the weather. "Stop complaining!" I said. "If it wasn't for that malpractice suit I won I'd of thrown you to the sharks."

Let's Face it

Not that I need it, but I'd sure hate to ever have this done. Can you imagine looking in the mirror and seeing someone else? And what if they (you) were ugs as sin?

Topless Teacher

What's all the fuss about?

Jail House Rock Cakes

I just read a story in my local paper called "Girl Scouts Go To Prison - With Dad"

I'm not sure I completely understood the point of the article (at first I thought it meant that if you are a girl scout and your daddy is a criminal you get sent to prison too!), but it says that girl scouts bring their criminal fathers "boxes filled with sandwiches, Hawaiian punch, potato chips and sashes" as well as "identical polo shirts and khaki trousers", even though the dads are "imprisoned for drug trafficking, serving sentences ranging from 36 months to 18 years".

"It takes about 30 minutes and copious amounts of sandwiches and chips and bright pink drinks for dads and daughters to catch up and settle in," the article says. "Then there are cakes and cookies and games and merit badge work and projects designed to help parent and child - the latest is a lesson in how to open a small business. Many nail and hair salons are planned."

Times sure have changed. These criminals live better and eat more and wear more than I do. When I was a girl, and my daddy was put away, my dreams of a nail salon evaporated into thin air (we lived in Denver at the time).

Operation Thrust

"Operation Mountain Thrust" has just been launched in Afstanighan.

Sounds hot! At work, people are always complimenting me on my hip movements. I should've joined the military!

Welcome To My World

Well, here goes nothing...

Starting a blog can be quite dawnting (sp?). Two weeks ago I'd never even heard the word html. I'm still not sure how it's pronounced! It sounds African to me. Is it, I wonder? Probably not. I can't imagine the Africans inventing the internet. I seems a little hi-tech for them.